I can't say that I have heard God speak to me many times in my life. One of my favorite authors, Priscilla Shirer, says that he definitely still does it. The idea that God is silent or that he stopped communicating after the last pages of the Bible were inscribed is false. I love Priscilla, and have read all her books in the hopes that I would hear God talk to me as clearly as she hears him. No matter what I try, though, it doesn't really happen for me. God communicates to me more through small moments and gestures (my mom calls them "gentle hugs") that remind me he loves me and has a plan for me, even when I feel unloved and completely lost. But one day last fall, I heard him more clearly than I ever have before.
I like to sleep in a little on Sunday mornings, since my church changed their service times to start a bit later. As long as my to do list isn't overwhelming, sometimes I can stay in bed until 8 or 8:30. One such Sunday back in October, I guess, I got out of bed and walked to the bathroom to brush my teeth, and I had a thought. "You're going on another trip." I hadn't gone to bed thinking about travel, hadn't dreamed about it, and there really wasn't a reason for that notion to pop into my brain that morning. Truthfully, I do think about traveling a lot, but those thoughts are more along the lines of "My Tanzania trip was the best experience of my life. I really want to go back, and I want to go see all my other kids, too. But it's too expensive and I have other priorities right now." Priorities like paying off debt so we can start applying to adopt again, or saving money so we can replace our ancient, crumbling cars. Not saving my change and fundraising for international excursions. So on this Sunday morning, I reminded myself of that. "Going on a trip would be nice, but I can't really do that right now." When I came up with an excuse, a counterargument appeared in my head. I wouldn't quite call it talking to myself- I was thinking, not talking, and some of those thoughts were coming out of nowhere, it seemed.
"Fundraising is hard. I can't go through that again."
"You'll have plenty of time. Your trip is a year from now."
"There are too many places I want to go. It's too hard to choose."
"Take a look at the trip list."
"Well, I know they're going to India sometime next year. It sure would be nice to go to India and meet with my kids there. But that's an expensive trip. And it's even further away than Tanzania was."
"Don't put limitations on this. We can work it out."
I talked to my husband about it and told my mom my thoughts as well. My mom was encouraging as she tends to be when it comes to this sort of thing, but I thought my husband would discourage me from pursuing it. He's the reasonable one in our relationship, and the manager of the finances. But to my surprise, he said he didn't have a problem with it if I could raise the money. I remember discussing it with him when he came home from work one day. He was in the shower and that's usually the best time to talk to him, honestly. So I'm leaning on the bathroom door rambling about not being sure of what to do, or where to go, or if I should even try, and he said "what about Honduras? Do they ever go there?" Our church partners with a church in a rural area of Honduras, and Brandon knows we have kids there and that I have a particularly close relationship with them. I checked Compassion's tour schedule online, and sure enough, there it was: Honduras tour, October 2016. A year after my Sunday morning conversation with God. A full year of fundraising! I spent some more time praying about it, and registered for the trip the day that registration opened up.
Along the way, I've had some experiences that lead me to believe that I'm doing the right thing. I'm a big fan of signs and confirmation and loudly, affirmatively answered prayers. I like certainty. So I liked it when I found out that Compassion no longer offers trip discounts to advocates, and I ended up raising the same amount of money in an online Christmas auction that I would have saved had the discount still been available. "Where am I going to come up with an extra $500? This is hard enough already." Boom. The auction brings in almost $500. "Am I sure that these kids are the ones I'm supposed to go see?" A letter comes in from Sandier describing a tough family situation that makes me want to jump on the first plane and go hug him and his momma. The same month, I start hearing more about the sponsorship program a friend helped found in an area of Honduras where Compassion doesn't have projects- and glancing through the photo album of children waiting to be sponsored, I see my Zoila. With her sequined top and a tiny version of a skirt I myself own, and I find out after I've basically made the decision to sponsor her that her favorite activity is visiting the library. Out of a few hundred kids, she's the only one that mentions that. The month before, I was settling into my second job and decided to sponsor another child through Compassion as an act of tithing, and happened to find Ruth. Who has the name of my favorite Bible character, who is a teenage girl (the demographic I was looking at for sponsoring) in Honduras, when there are hardly ever any teen girls available in Honduras because it's such a popular country among sponsors!
I've had these positive affirmations that this trip is where I'm supposed to be, but I've also faced challenges, just like I did when I went to Tanzania. After registering for that trip, I was plagued with constant, severe anxiety attacks and insomnia. My Bible study group agreed that this was probably an attempt of the enemy to keep me from fulfilling God's purpose. He was trying to scare me out of doing this big thing, bigger than any other thing I've ever done. But I stuck with it and went on the trip and had virtually no anxiety or other problems during the ten day trip. My stomach, which rebels even if I smell something a bit off, stayed strong even when so many other people on the trip were struggling after a week of unfamiliar food (based on the way I felt, I should have been a walking, talking, panic attack. But I did really great!) This time, it's physical pain. I wasn't able to pick up as many hours and overtime this past winter because I found out I'm allergic to the cold, and needed to spend as much time inside as possible (not driving to the far ends of the county in icy winds and sometimes snow.) So in the spring, I bid on as many extra hours as I could- and the first weekend of the quarter, I hurt my back. And my hips. I had one ER visit in March, and another in April. I used all my sick time and half my vacation (which I have been trying to save up for the Honduras trip!) I've had so many appointments and tests and prescriptions, physical therapy and orthotics. The doctors know what's wrong, but there's no real reason for it to be affecting me as strongly as it has been. The pain and the fact that almost every week, I've had to give away my overtime so I can just survive and make my regular hours has taken a big toll on me mentally and emotionally. My prayer journal is full of pleas with God to make me better, or at least let me figure out exactly what's wrong so I can try to fix it. "Why is this happening? I didn't even do anything. I didn't have a fall. I didn't get into an accident. I didn't hurt myself playing sports. I just got up one day and this happened. And I don't understand why." I don't believe that God intentionally hurts people to test or punish them, but, just like in the book of Job, I think that sometimes he allows some hard things to happen to or around us, so we can show him that we are committed. We mean what we say. We keep our promises. And we trust that if he has called us to do something, he's going to make a way for it to happen. I have marveled at his provisions for this trip- I'm so close to my fundraising goal! He's working to make a way for me to meet up with Zoila on the first full day of the trip, when our official activities end after a late lunch and we have the rest of the day to ourselves. He's made it possible for me to gather gifts and supplies for the families of these children that I love so dearly. And he's even sending friends to keep me company- I spent a lot of time alone on the last trip, and this time not one but two sponsors I've known online for a few years are going to be taking this trip! I will actually know some people ahead of time, and one of them, Marissa, is going to be my roomie! The other, Victoria, has taken many trips to Honduras over the years and has already offered some helpful insights about what we will see and experience.
I know in my heart that this trip is going to be amazing. I can't wait to spend my days loving on the kids at the centers, acting as an ambassador for the other sponsors who may never get to visit them. I'm honored to carry gifts for many of my friends, to be delivered at the Honduras field office, and I'm grateful to all the people who donated to my trip fundraiser to "earn" a spot in my extra suitcase, so they can also send something to their children. I'm excited to spend a Sunday morning worshiping with my Honduran brothers and sisters in Christ. Most of all, I'm overwhelmed with joy because I am going to get to spend a day with Anahi and Sandier and Ruth- and hopefully, spend some time with Zoila, too. I'm praying that Anahi's mom in particular may be able to join us for our visit day, as I have a special relationship with her, built through the letters she writes on behalf of Anahi. I can't wait to share photos and videos with everyone, too.
If you are the type who enjoys praying for strangers, I'd like to share these requests with you. Please pray for the safety and well-being of everyone going on the trip. I have full confidence in the protection offered by Compassion's staff, but visiting Honduras is going to be quite different than Tanzania. San Pedro Sula in particular has a reputation for being rife with violence due to gangs and a corrupt justice system. Not only do I want our team to stay safe, but I want the children and staff from the centers to be safe, too. I don't want any unwelcome attention paid to them because they're having visitors from another country. I'd also like to ask you to pray for my physical health and my resolve. While I'm doing so much better now than I was in the spring, I'm still having some troubles from time to time. I try not to think about them in the context of my trip, but unfortunately, I'm surrounded by people (who are probably well meaning) who keep saying things like "wouldn't it be awful if you were over there in Honduras and your pain started flaring up?" When I went to Tanzania, people worried about Ebola. I could at least tell them then that those fears were completely unfounded, since I was going to be over 3,000 miles away from the outbreak in West Africa. I don't have a great answer for these new comments, though. And I don't particularly like thinking about them. I don't want to have any extra stress or worry to carry along with me.
Finally, I'd ask for your prayers for my fundraising efforts. I still have a few hundred dollars to raise before my final payment is due next month. Since I have had to put so much of my own money toward the trip, I'm also asking for help in gathering gifts for the projects and children we will visit on the trip. I'm particularly interested in literacy campaigns and Compassion's library-building projects at the different child development centers around the world. If the centers have a library, it's usually a single room with just a few books. Public libraries are few and far between. I may not be able to do much to help, but I'd really like to be able to bring a bunch of books with me and deliver them to the projects (I'll leave the school supplies and sports equipment up to my fellow travelers.) I've put together a Wish List on Amazon for interested parties. With an Amazon Prime account, one could contribute to my quest to fill Honduras' libraries with just a few dollars! There are at least a couple dozen books on there that are $3 or less, and all of them are under $10. Any and all help is greatly appreciated, and I'm looking forward to sharing about my adventures when I return. :)
Jessi only needs to raise about $400 more for her trip and as on of her fundraisers, you can send a gift to your sponsored child in Honduras through Jessi for a donation! For a $10 donation, you can send a quart sized bag, for a $25 donation a gallon sized bag and for a $300 donation a backpack! To learn more, check out Jessi's Go Fund Me page.
